Sartorial Splendor in a Small Town

I recently attended my nephew's high school graduation in East Texas. There were 70-some odd graduates and lawd, I love a small class. But that's neither here nor there. The graduates mostly wore gowns, of course, so this is not about their clothing choices (although, honey, that ankle-length ruffly whatever-that-was under that gown did you no favors—burn it).

But, people, really. Let's start with the painfully obvious. Get dressed. You are not going to the city pool or a backyard barbecue—do not wear shorts and t-shirts and flip-flops. You should not need to be told this. Stop being a dick. Show some respect or stay home.

Also, that sundress with cowboy boots thing isn't as cute as you think it is. That might work if you took two seconds and tried to actually match them somehow, but since the common wisdom seems to be to throw any old boot at any old dress, there was a constant chorus of rejection buzzers going off in my head. If you insist on sticking with this look, let's try to keep it to spring and fall—by the weather, not the calendar. Leather shoes in general and boots in particular are not summer-friendly footwear. All I could think when I saw the girl in the micro-mini and the over-the-knee boots was, "Stank foot! Stank foot! Girl's got serious stank foot!" and then, "Oh, we're going to see her butt soon."

In other footwear news, six-inch glittery stiletto platform pumps are not appropriate for an afternoon graduation. They're not appropriate for anything, really, that doesn't involve a stripper pole. And here's some more really basic advice—if you can't walk in them, leave them in the store. I never saw so much ridiculous hobbling in my life. That's not hot, ladies, that's stupid. I'm only sorry that I spied the worst offender on this front in the lobby instead of getting to witness her attempt to walk down the sloped auditorium aisle.

On another note, the appropriate undergarment choice for a white, backless, eyelet dress is not a regular-backed black bra. And a word to the wise: side cut-outs are friendly to very few. Approach with extreme caution and be ready to run.

And don't think you're getting out of this, guys. I'm going to give you a pass on the khakis and boots; it is small-town East Texas—that is the acceptable dress code. But you lost me with the turquoise and yellow Under Armour shirt. You looked in the mirror and thought that was working for you? Oh, who am I kidding? You didn't get anywhere near a mirror.

Okay, folks, let's work on these few points, and next time I'm in town, we'll have some other gathering of some sort and I'll get the chance to judge you again. I hope you're looking forward to it as much as I am. Please don't hit me.