Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas

I would like to officially nominate "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" as the creepiest holiday song ever. Have you listened to this song? I mean, I've known it for years. It's one of those songs that you just run around singing under your breath without realizing it until fellow shoppers start giving you strange looks and you remember that you can't carry a tune in a bucket and you probably shouldn't sing out loud in public anyway, even if you happen to be Kelly Clarkson.

But, the other day, as I was happily singing along, I actually heard what I was singing. The gist of the story is that this little boy sneaks downstairs to try and catch a glimpse of Santa, and what to his wandering eye appears instead is dearest Mommy playing slap and tickle with old Father Christmas. Now, any normal child would of course be traumatized by the sight of Mommy making out with the old fat man who breaks and enters once a year to deliver presents (possibly a guilt offering, I now realize). In the real world, such a scenario would stun and horrify the child, resulting in a Madonna-whore complex the likes of which the world has never seen, one that will haunt every future relationship this poor child will ever have, and the years and years of ensuing therapy go without saying. But in the song, the child doesn't react with the appropriate revulsion. Of course not. No, instead he thinks, "Wow, that's really funny. Ya know what would be funnier? If Dad caught 'em! God, that would be a laugh riot." What kind of child thinks the only thing funnier than Mommy cheating on Daddy would be if Daddy caught her? Seriously. That is some sick shit right there. We may be a tad late with the therapy. Snuggle down with that story on this lovely Christmas Eve. And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.